Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Friends, Once More
Hello all. Been a while, I know. June to April…that’s a bit of a hiatus. See, this would be another one of those times that I thought I was doing what was best for me, but, instead, was just kind of floundering around like I always seem to do. I’m good at it, you know? I’ve had lots of practice. Years.
That’s actually a good segue into what I really want to write about today. I’ve been thinking for the last week or so about what is going on in my life and trying to get a grasp of it so that I can control it and mold it into what I think my life should really be about. Well…I’m slowly realizing that that semblance of “control” is nothing but smoke and mirrors. It doesn’t exist like I think it does. Not even close.
As you all know, I’ve been diagnosed with depression and I quite frankly think that I’ve been dealing with this all my life (granted, we “deal” with things better at times and not so well at other times). That is to say, I haven’t been doing as well as I should. I put on a good show, though. I would be willing to bet that maybe 5% of the people I interact with on a daily basis really understand how difficult this is and how hard you really have to fight.
I know, now, that you really can’t rely on anyone other than yourself. You find yourself, when in a depressed state, trying to “latch onto” someone who you think will be there for you…to help you up when you fall down. Again, really the only person that you can count on is yourself. Latching onto someone else, feeding off of them and relying on them for your daily happiness reduces you to a parasitic level and is defined as “codependent”.
I’ve been reading a book the last couple days called “Codependent No More” by…someone…I can’t remember the name right now, but it doesn’t matter. In this book is a list of characteristics that codependents may or may not have and it’s scary just how many of these are true for me. For example: Feel compelled, almost forced, to help people solve their problems, and then feel angry when those people don’t do the same for them. Feel safest when giving of themselves. Reject compliments or praise. Center their lives around other people. The list really goes on and on, but I think you get the general idea. Actually, I just printed out the list and it is 7 pages long!
The point is, I see myself in many of the characteristics. What does this mean? Does it mean that I’m a failure at this adventure we call “Life”? No…it means I’m just as flawed as everyone else. I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect. I am, as I told someone recently, a work in progress. For the first time in my life, I have hope. This is NOT a permanent lifestyle choice for me. I can beat it. I can overcome it. And I will…you just watch.