Snow

I’ve decided that this post was going to be an informative one, simply because I’ve learned a lot in the last week, and I want to share. So, please bear with me as it’s been a long time since I’ve written in this way…

The Southern Guy’s Definitive Guide to Snow

If you’re like me, and you’ve spent any time at all in the South, the whole concept of snow has eluded you. I mean, you see pictures of the stuff, movies about the stuff…heck, there are even songs about the stuff…but I can honestly say, until you’ve spent any time in it, you don’t know squat!

As I’m now one of the more recent emissaries to “the North”, I would like to explain some things for those that still live in “the South”.

1) Cold: When it snows, it gets cold. If you’re lucky, you worked in a freezer for several years and really have no problem at all with the coldness. If you are unlucky, you’ll think that your skin has frozen solid, right on your bones. Thankfully for me, I can wear shorts and a Tech sweatshirt, and be perfectly fine outside in the snow.

2) Getting ready to drive: When you first go outside after a big snowstorm, there is going to be snow everywhere; on the road, in the trees and, more importantly, all over your automobile. Now, I’m going to tell you the BEST way to get ready to go for a trip after a storm. The BEST way is to park your car inside (even if it means you have to cut a large hole in the side of your house). This way, you don’t have to mess with the pesky snow. For those unlucky enough to not have a garage or a large chainsaw, we must begin the “snow removal process”. Several things to remember: A) Before you open the door to your automobile, be sure to wipe the snow off of the roof of your car so that when you open the door, it won’t fall all over your seat (I did this, it’s no fun). B) Once your door is open, turn on your heater and get it warm inside but do NOT turn on the wipers…it will push snow over the still open door and into the automobile (I did this, it’s no fun). C) Wipe as much snow off of the roof and hood of your automobile as you can, but be sure not to use your hands (unless you’re wearing gloves) as your fingers will freeze (I did this too, and it's also no fun).

3) Driving: Once your automobile is prepped, you’re ready to drive. Driving on the snow is unlike anything that you’ve driven on before. It’s not quite like driving on marshmallows (not that I’ve done this, mind you), but its kinda close. The colors are similar anyway…actually, that’s probably where the similarities end, but you get the idea. You need to be mindful of where your fellow drivers are at all times. That includes those people that are unlucky enough to actually be on the same road as you. When you see a stop sign up ahead, hit the brakes. It doesn’t matter how far back away from the sign that you are, if you can see it, you need to be slowing down. And by “hit” I mean, press on ever so gently. You don’t want to end up landscaping someone’s lawn or replacing a mailbox or two just because you stopped too quickly (and, inadvertently, slid over everything in the known world).

4) Driving - Part 2 (aka Sliding): When you press on the brakes too hard (or if you happen to turn the wheel at all while moving, or if you sneeze, or if you happen to think about ANYTHING while the automobile is moving), you may go into what is called “a slide”. Now, some slides (like at a water park, a regular park, or anything involving snow and an inner tube) are fun! Sliding while driving, unfortunately, isn’t. The first thing that goes through your mind when you slide in the snow is “How much is this going to cost me once I finally stop sliding?” Usually, the answer is, “A Lot!” and while that doesn’t give you much hope, at least the question is answered and you can get on to more important questions like, “Did I leave the oven on?”

5) Snow: There are several different types of snow, but for right now, we’re going to talk about which one’s are edible and which one’s aren’t. For the most part, any snow that isn’t white is NOT EDIBLE. This includes the snow that’s on the side of the road after the plows go through (it’s a combination of dirt, snow, oil and who knows what else) as well as snow that is a nice shade of yellow (we don’t ask why it’s that color, we just don’t eat it…ok?). Now, from time to time, there are things called “Snow cones” which have a bunch of different colors of snow…those are ok to eat. For the most part, if the snow is white, it’s ok to eat…I wouldn’t do it, but it is edible.

Anyway, that’s the all (non)inclusive guide to snow. I may have left out a few important facts (what to do if you are unlucky enough to find yourself in a slide), but I figure those things aren’t as important as what I HAVE said, so you’re better off in the end anyway.