Life, as I know it...

Greetings one and all...going a new way with this...so bear with me

As more time goes on, I've noticed more and more changes that I can attribute at least part of to taking the medication that is supposedly "normalizing" my mental issues (that is to say, "I feel almost normal now"). Not only do I feel much better about life in general, I feel much better about myself and my placement in my own life. I realize this sounds strange...work with me.

I think I have been depressed for such a long period of time that I was starting to lose who made me "Scott", and instead of being "Scott" I was being this really twisted, angry version of myself...one that got no joy out of life, didn't want to try new things, didn't really want to experience all that life has to offer. Now, on the other hand, I am really trying to "get out there" and see what "life" is really all about.

Take, for instance, Saturday. The whole day was about Scott breaking out of the shell and experiencing life (this will become more ironic as the story unfolds).

Thusrday, two of the ladies I work with and I went to a local place to serve food to people there. It really was a great experience as the people that were there were very thankful for the meal, the companionship, and just having someone there to talk with. It really kinda put parts of my life in perspective. I went home, and aside from feeling alone in an empty apartment (one that was nice and cold from the 6" of snow on the ground and subfreezing temps outside!), things were pretty good. Yes, I was alone, but I had a pumpkin pie and a fork...and was ready for my thanksgiving meal!

Friday came and I got to do a lot of resting (after waking up at 4:50 which I've done for almost a month straight now). On Friday evening, I got a call from a co-worker ("Lois") who said that her husband ("Mr. Kent") had shot a deer and wanted to know if I wanted to come over to help cut it up etc. I was excited! I've never had deer before, and was really looking forward to seeing the whole process from deer to food on the table.

Saturday morning, I went over to thier house and went out to the garage to find a deer hanging up. After getting it all skinned, we removed one of the front shoulders and went inside to cut it up. Having never done anything like this in my life (aside from helping my mom cut up chicken which is, I think, one of the sickest things in the world to do), it was a REAL experience! Not only did I get to see the whole process, but I actually got to take part in the whole process of deboning and then cutting up the meat into normal bits (like steaks, tenderlons, roasts etc). Being the nerdy/geeky sort that I am, I was facinated by the bones and the muscle structure to see how it moved (yes, I know...I'm a dork). At lunch, Mr. Kent went outside and cut out the tenderloins. We brought them back inside, cut up one of them and cooked it up. AWESOME! After 6 hours of cutting up deer, we were finished (yes...6 hours). I swear they sent me home with enough deer to last me a LONG time!

Saturday night, I was to go with some of my other co-workers to a reception for Smurfette and "Dean"'s wedding (they were married a couple months ago). I went and really had a great time laughing, chatting, laughing, pointing, laughing, taking pictures, more laughing and generally just enjoying life. For everyone that was there, I had an awesome time. Thanks! Yeee-haw! I woke up this morning a little hoarse due to saying "Yee-haw" just a couple too many times, but it was all worth it.

This next week promises to be interesting. Work, of course, is interesting by definition as I never know what is going to happen. I think that's one thing I can take from the last couple months/years...you never know what to expect in life. Change is the only constant. In a related matter, I just read "Who moved my cheese" and I would like to say that EVERYONE should read it. Seriously.

The Phoenix, Part 2 (To Groovy)

As I sit here and look at the past couple years of my life, I can’t help but think of all the mistakes that I’ve made. I won’t go into details on things, but suffice it to say, I don’t think I’m a very good person a good majority of the last couple years. I’ve been very concerned with myself instead of others, and this simple thing has got to change. My previous post should NEVER have been put up on the internet. It was essentially a rant that should have remained on my computer. To groovy, I most humbly and sincerely apologize for having posted it…it should have remained a private matter, and gone no further. I am sorry.

On Wednesday, the doctor that I went to see prescribed some medication for me and, aside from cotton mouth, mild headaches and insomnia, the net effect has been somewhat positive. I’ve laughed a lot more the last 5 days than I remember laughing for a very long time. More importantly, for me, anyway, is the fact that I can think so very clearly right now. The white noise that filled my mind has been removed….and the thoughts are very easy to follow. I can see the big picture now instead of all the bad trees…and I think this is a remarkable step.

One major thing in my life, as you know from my post which has now been edited, has been a general unhappiness in my relationship with groovy. Well, to say that my unhappiness was solely in the relationship isn’t fair to either groovy nor I, but I hope you take my meaning. We were both hoping that this medication would start to fix our problems. On Friday, I realized that this hope was incorrectly placed where it would do no good…the medication will not fix our problems at all. It’s not designed to do this. I was commiserating with Cowgirl, one of my coworkers, and I said “Surely it isn’t supposed to be like this.” It’s not…it really isn’t. Continuing down this path would only hurt both groovy and me…and I am tired of hurting myself, and I don’t want to hurt other people anymore. We spoke yesterday afternoon and have decided that the best thing, for both of us, is for us to go our separate ways.

Groovy, I sincerely wish for you to be a happy person…one so full of life and promise deserves to be happy and with someone that can appreciate your unique goofiness. I see no reason that this should be the end of our friendship…and I hope this remains true in the future.

So, to the future…what does it hold for Scott? I don’t really know…and I say that honestly…I have my hopes and my dreams, and will work towards them. The sun is rising once again on my life…the heat of the rays are warming my face. To the new day…