Catch 22

I don’t think it will come as much as a surprise to people that know me…but I’ve been having a really hard time the last couple weeks. The thing is, every little thing seems to be the last possible thing I can handle. I’m usually a pretty resilient guy that can handle a lot of things that are thrown at me…but lately, this hasn’t been so.

Take, for instance, the other night: I decided that I was going to make pumpkin bread as it was Fall here in Montana and nothing says “Fall” like pumpkin bread and the smell of it wafting through the house. I had all the ingredients that one would need to make the bread (sans shortening…you can substitute margarine for shortening…did you know that? Thanks for that info Kung-Fu Queen!).

I started mixing things up and measuring things out. The margarine hadn’t reached room temp yet, so it was too hard…so I nuked it which had disastrous results (margarine explodes in the microwave!)…but I was able to make it work anyway. Then, I grabbed the ¼ measuring cup and read it as 1/3 cup. I measured out the flour and, when I thought I was through, looked at the cup again…and almost started crying. It wasn’t what I thought it was and, as such, my measurements were off. Groovy came into the kitchen and explained to me that it wasn’t a big deal because I measured UNDER what I thought I had (which was true…thanks), so I was able to finish the bread, which turned out VERY good.

It was that moment of near breakdown that scares me.

I’ve come to realize that depression is a MAJOR Catch 22. I’ll explain: There are certain things that you can do that will make you feel better (exercise, getting outside, doing hobbies, etc). Unfortunately for the depressed person, these things aren’t done. It’s not that I can’t see myself enjoying these things…it’s the IDEA of the thing that seems totally overwhelming. I can’t even imagine mustering up the desire, the will…the WANT…to do them. I know in my mind that if I go exercise, that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll feel better about things and that I’ll be able to start feeling better as a whole…but for some reason, I can’t even will myself to even START doing them.

And that’s sad.

I have my second meeting with my Dr. today at noon. I can only hope that soon I’ll be given the tools that I need to beat this thing...because right now, the only one taking a beating is me.

Where have you been?!

Hello one and all. It is I…Scott…back from whatever sort of adventures you may or may not think that I’ve been engaging in. Don’t let your imagination run away with you now…the life of a computer geek really isn’t that exciting or glamorous.

Here it is, September already. Seems impossible, to be perfectly frank. I mean, wasn’t it just May the other day? Wasn’t I looking forward to accomplishing all these lofty goals for the summer (you know…like “Get a hair cut” and “Remember to wear deodorant for a change”)? What all has happened to the time?

May and June were a blur. I don’t remember much that happened during this time and even if I did, I doubt that there would be much to tell. Why is it that as time goes on, it gets faster? Honestly, May and June weren’t much fun…can we just forget that they happened?

July arrived on the scene like a lion (get it…lion…Leo…get it?!). Ok, so it was a hot lion…and by “hot” I don’t mean “as good looking as Ashley Judd” I mean “it’s over 100 again?!” And the fires started. Fires and smoke…2 of the wonderful things you get to experience whilst living in Montana during the summer months. Not that this ruined the summer…not at all! The reminders that “the young, elderly and those with breathing problems should not go outdoors today” over the airwaves did nothing to stop me from enjoying…from enjoying…well, I’m sure I enjoyed something. I know what it was…

My folks visited! We got to hang out for a week or so, driving about, digging for sapphires (we got some nice ones!), hiking, driving some more, walking about Helena and generally just trying to relax (something I admit I have a hard time doing). I also learned how to make Strawberry and Cherry Jelly (thanks mom!). There really is nothing like cooking down jelly when it’s 100+ degrees outside and in (no thanks to the little window AC I bought that would trip the breaker every 10 minutes). It was all a lot of fun and I’m glad that they visited and had a good time (next time, come in May or August when it’s NICE out!).

August came and the 100+ degree temps dropped to 90+ degrees. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but 10 degrees can make an otherwise warm day seem unbearable. It was really nice with evening temps hovering around 60. We had the official end of summer weekend this last weekend with 90+ degree temps…but that all ended today with some rain, a cool front…and a week full of 70+ degrees ahead of us.

Work has been a chore. The middle of August brought about Phase 1 of the phone system install (geeky folks: We purchased a Cisco VOIP phone system with a presence server and video phone capabilities…it’s bad to the bone!). Honestly, the install went better than I thought it would…only had about 28 hours of overtime that pay period instead of the 40 that we all thought we would have. Yay! We still have two more phases of the project to go through (one at the end of this month and the other…well, it’s later on). Here’s hoping the second two parts go as well as the first did.

The final thing I want to talk about is this: I’m fighting a pretty bad case of depression. Have been for some time, actually. I haven’t been able to figure out when it all started, but as near as I can tell, sometime around the beginning of the year. For those that I see/interact with on a daily basis, this may come as something of a surprise…but I promise it’s the truth. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of what was really going on until early last week when I didn’t think I could go on anymore. I was as close to the bottom of the barrel as I hope ever to get. It’s not a pretty place to be and I hope nobody that ever reads this will EVER have to get that close to the bottom.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I airing out this rather personal part of my life? I’m doing it in the hopes that 1) I find it cathartic in some way, 2) you may understand why I’ve acted the way I have for a while and 3) if I’ve acted in a way in which I normally wouldn’t act, that you would understand that I haven’t been myself…and that I’m sorry.

Looking forward…things will get better. They already are. Here’s to more better days!