Catch 22

I don’t think it will come as much as a surprise to people that know me…but I’ve been having a really hard time the last couple weeks. The thing is, every little thing seems to be the last possible thing I can handle. I’m usually a pretty resilient guy that can handle a lot of things that are thrown at me…but lately, this hasn’t been so.

Take, for instance, the other night: I decided that I was going to make pumpkin bread as it was Fall here in Montana and nothing says “Fall” like pumpkin bread and the smell of it wafting through the house. I had all the ingredients that one would need to make the bread (sans shortening…you can substitute margarine for shortening…did you know that? Thanks for that info Kung-Fu Queen!).

I started mixing things up and measuring things out. The margarine hadn’t reached room temp yet, so it was too hard…so I nuked it which had disastrous results (margarine explodes in the microwave!)…but I was able to make it work anyway. Then, I grabbed the ¼ measuring cup and read it as 1/3 cup. I measured out the flour and, when I thought I was through, looked at the cup again…and almost started crying. It wasn’t what I thought it was and, as such, my measurements were off. Groovy came into the kitchen and explained to me that it wasn’t a big deal because I measured UNDER what I thought I had (which was true…thanks), so I was able to finish the bread, which turned out VERY good.

It was that moment of near breakdown that scares me.

I’ve come to realize that depression is a MAJOR Catch 22. I’ll explain: There are certain things that you can do that will make you feel better (exercise, getting outside, doing hobbies, etc). Unfortunately for the depressed person, these things aren’t done. It’s not that I can’t see myself enjoying these things…it’s the IDEA of the thing that seems totally overwhelming. I can’t even imagine mustering up the desire, the will…the WANT…to do them. I know in my mind that if I go exercise, that there is a pretty good chance that I’ll feel better about things and that I’ll be able to start feeling better as a whole…but for some reason, I can’t even will myself to even START doing them.

And that’s sad.

I have my second meeting with my Dr. today at noon. I can only hope that soon I’ll be given the tools that I need to beat this thing...because right now, the only one taking a beating is me.