Toilet Humor

Hello one and all. I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been busy away from home and have just gotten back to work…so I figured it was time to write.

Groovy and I flew to Baton Rouge to spend Christmas with our families and we both had a wonderful time. We got back on the 27th and on the 29th we had one of my friends up to visit for a couple days. All said, it was a nice trip and stuff, but I could use a vacation now that my vacation is over.

This year I’m not going to do resolutions or tell you how Christmas was. It was good, and I have some…but that’s really all that I want to say right now because I’ve got a good story to tell.

WARNING! If any of the following words offend you or make you feel uncomfortable, please stop reading: Toilet. Splash. Slop. Plunger. Poo. Disinfectant. Sterilize. WARNING! You have been warned…

Our story starts on Christmas Eve during supper. We had all just had a really good meal and were sitting there getting to know one another. The parties there included: Groovy, myself, Groovy’s folks, Lawyerette, Doctor, The Tiger, Groovy’s aunt and uncle, and Wendy the Wonder Dog. Groovy and I were washing dishes and Groovy’s uncle comes up with this game in which you answer several questions in an attempt to get to know everyone. One of the questions was: “What is your most embarrassing moment?” My answer to this was a story about someone pulling down my pants in middle school before class. Unfortunately for me, my answer would be changing quite soon.

Everyone went to bed and woke up the next morning. It was Christmas day, and we all sat down to eat breakfast. It was getting close to the time that Groovy’s Grandfather was going to arrive, so I ran off to take a shower.

I gathered up my clothes to take my shower and went into the bathroom. I decided that maybe I needed to sit and contemplate my life and everything for a bit, so I did. After doing my business, I flushed the toilet (as all people do when they are done contemplating life) and got ready to take a shower. The toilet wasn’t sounding quite right, so I got back out of the shower to see the water level rising quite quickly in the toilet.

“No no no…don’t you do this,” I pleaded with the toilet. “Not today…not here.”

The toilet continued to let the water level rise until right before it got too dangerous to continue. Whew! I was saved by the designers of the toilet who knew just exactly how much water would go into the bowl and how much would go OVER the bowl. I stood there for a moment…relieved, and yet concerned at the same time. The water level fell, as it will do, and I, in a moment of sheer genius, decided that what I needed to do was flush the toilet again.

Wrong. The water level rose much more quickly than the last time, and this time, I was SERIOUSLY concerned about the possibility of a waterfall in the bathroom. My mind racing, I jumped into action and quickly turned off the water flow to the toilet. Thank goodness for the inventor of the little shut-off valve on toilet bowls. The water level finally crested at approximately ½ inch from the top of the bowl.

Frantic at this point, I started looking around for a plunger in the hopes that I could fix this problem and get on with my day. I looked all over the place only to realize that there wasn’t a plunger in that bathroom. “I am going to die,” I said to myself. I looked at the toilet and said, “Please…I’ll do anything. Just flush!” Nothing happened. With nothing else to do, I took my shower and then, thankfully, Groovy was walking by the door as I opened it and I said, “Can you go into your parent’s bathroom and get the plunger…quietly.” She went off to look for one and I closed the door again, turned, and looked again at the toilet. “Toilet…I don’t like you anymore.”

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a plunger in her parent’s bathroom…it was outside in the garage which was on the other side of the living room where everyone was sitting (including groovy’s grandfather), patiently waiting to open presents. Joy. Groovy comes back after a while and hands me the plunger. I take it, turn toward the toilet and think to myself, “Now it’s on, toilet…you’re going down!”

I put the plunger in the toilet and watched the water level rise just a little. It was still precariously close to the top of the toilet, and I was REALLY worried about cleaning everything up when I was done. I did the best that I could do, as far as plunging goes, but nothing was happening. Nothing at all. Water was sloshing about…but the water level wasn’t going down like it should have been. I tried several different techniques: I tried the one-handed plunge…nothing. I tried the two-handed plunge…nothing. I tried the two-handed plunge with one foot on the toilet for better leverage…nothing. I tried shaking my fist at the toilet while plunging (not an easy feat)…nothing. I was getting desperate.

I heard a gentle knock on the door…it was groovy. “How's it going?” she asked.
“I’ve got a situation here, groovy…nothing is happening.”
“Just come on out and worry about that afterwards,” she replied. So, that’s what I did. I put down my weapons, washed up again, and walked away from the battle.

So, we all sit around and open presents. The whole time I’m thinking, “Please…nobody go in there…PLEASE!” I think someone tried at one point, but they probably took one look at the toilet and ran away for fear of being blamed. No worries…everyone knew it was me. Present time was over and groovy’s dad and I went back into the bathroom and began working on the toilet once again.

I was going to be really graphic here and tell about how the water sloshed all over the place and all over the towel that I was holding over the toilet…but that would just be nasty, so I’ll leave it out. Eventually, through groovy’s dad’s hard work…the toilet was returned to working order. I wanted to shout for joy…to dance and sing like a madman. Instead of doing that, though, I grabbed a mop and bucket, and started cleaning the bathroom.

I guess the moral of this story, if there could be one, is never admit what your most embarrassing moment is because, sure enough, something more embarrassing is going to happen eventually.