Why? - Yes, I'm Being 2 Today
Greetings readers…
Subject 1 is a 30 year old mother of two from a previous marriage that ended badly. She is presently in a long term relationship with someone that takes advantage of her, abuses her and is generally just not a nice guy at all. She wants things to change in her relationship, but she doesn’t think things ever will.
Subject 3 is a 30 year old female who is in a long term relationship with her live-in boyfriend. He’s not doing well in his life and is taking this out on her and their relationship. She wants him to get better and wants to stay by his side.
Subject 4 is a 30 year old male who is in a long term relationship with his live-in girlfriend, mother of one from a previous relationship. He is the victim of infidelity, and yet still wants to be with the girl, if for no other reason than to be there for her son.
Subject 5 is a 30 year old male who is in a long term relationship with his live-in girlfriend. They’ve fallen on tough times and have had issues with trust and a general lack of communication. They are trying to make things work.
Now, those are going to be our case studies for this question and thought process. I realize they are all negative examples of relationships and the hardships that can be faced…that’s the point.
What is it about us that makes us want to stay in a relationship with someone, especially if the relationship is anything like any of the above examples? Is there some inherent trait in the human condition that makes us want to stay and fight for something that may or may not ever work out? Is there a “never say die” part of us that, even when faced with insurmountable obstacles, we continue to fight on? If so, when does that end? If so, what is it that drives us? Hope?
I’m being serious here…I would like to know your thoughts on this.
For me, I think this kind of goes back to the “flight or fight” mechanism that is ingrained in us. It’s just a part of who we are. If this is true, at what cost do we continue to fight? At what point does one look at their situation and say, “I’m done.” And, when they come to this point, what do they think?
Having just gotten out of a relationship myself (and this is in no way ABOUT groovy or I, nor am I trying to feel justified in our decision…it was just a thought I had), I think you can only push so hard and for so long. You reach a point where you kind of sit there and think, “I’ve done everything I am willing and able to do.” But, why do we allow ourselves to push ourselves beyond the normal limits of what is acceptable? To push and push and push just for the HOPE of a better future?
Honestly…I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you, oh wise reader.
posted by LaTech at 5:06 AM
5 Comments:
Boy, you sure aren’t pulling any punches with this one… This is one of the most difficult questions that we all have to face as adults at one point or another. I think another factor that may be involved, to some degree, is also the amount of time and effort invested in the relationship, the value/experience of the relationship as a whole, and love. By in large, the over-riding determining factors would be, in my mind, the third parties involved (i.e. children), and the personal aspects of the individuals in the relationship (their ability to change, their value/focus on the relationship, their dedication to one another). This kinda reminds me of another good movie – Spanglish, if you haven’t seen it, get it, it’s great (applies to subject 6). In typical scientific terms, women are less prone to infidelity (in general) and are more likely to stay in a bad/abusive relationship, whereas men are more prone to infidelity and are much less likely to stay in a bad/abusive relationship. Part of this can be explained by the availability of alternatives. Women generally outnumber men, and so men have more options and may find it easier to leave the relationship. Men are also sexually wired to “spread their seed” (and the popular culture generally does little to discourage this), so the likelihood of infidelity among men is generally higher. This might explain why some women can “rationalize” (I use the term loosely here) staying in a relationship with infidelity. On the other hand, it is “generally” less acceptable (by societal standards) for a woman to commit an act(s) of infidelity, therefore making it more likely for a man to leave the relationship. These are the generally accepted/understood stereotypes of relationships; I’m simply stating what is generally accepted (no hate mail please). The reality of the fact is that we are all sexual creatures, and the sexual aspects of the relationship are sometimes (often) indicators of other more complex problems in the relationship (needs not being met, lack of communication…). I personally can (somewhat) identify with subject 6, and from my experience, my wife and I had a discussion and decided to seek counseling. I did learn several things from the counseling, and it really helped to address some of the issues that had been causing problems with a third party involved to help diffuse some of the emotion. In my case, there were several factors that kept me invested in the relationship, not the least of which was the children, and the amount of time and the overall enjoyment of the relationship. I can’t really say why someone would stay in a long-term overtly abusive relationship (as in Subjects 1 & 2) as I really don’t understand it myself. Perhaps the person involved in such a relationship somehow dislikes who they are and perhaps need that abusive reinforcement, I really don’t know. Ultimately I believe it a personal decision comprised of many different factors; sorry I cannot give a more definitive answer, but such is life.
On a related topic, I went to see my family last weekend because my Aunt is suffering from cancer and she is not looking good at the moment (perhaps my last chance to see her). This is her second bout with cancer and she is currently too weak to undergo chemotherapy. I watched as my uncle waited on her, hand and foot (even when he tried to give her medicine and she told him to “get the hell out”), and the family brought food and offered whatever help we could. I have always had love and respect for my uncle, but never before as I did at that moment. I stood outside the door of her room and watched as he (and my grandmother) got her water and coke and tried to get her to eat and take her medicine, while she could barely move from the toll the disease was taking on her body and her face was swollen almost to the point of being unrecognizable from the medication she was taking (cortisone). It really made me think about relationships, and the “ties that bind us;” our need for one another, and our commitment to each other. I honestly can’t think of a more trying time for a relationship, than to have to go through an illness like cancer. What’s worse, my Grandmother (who is 90) is having to watch her daughter (my aunt) go through this after watching cancer take my grandfather almost 30 years ago. To watch someone you love physically wither away before your eyes is something I hope I never have to go through. I would appreciate it if you would pray or just think of my aunt as she goes through this trying time. I hope you find the answers you are looking for, and I hope that you have a happy holiday season. Take care, and best wishes…
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I’ve been in my share of bad relationships (thank God, none physically abusive), some that I can’t even talk about. I stayed in them longer that I should have for different reasons. One, I really liked the person, just hated the things he did (which I knew about no thanks to him but willingly denied it). I had to get to the point were I was ready to face the truth, stand my ground and simply not except it as a part of my life. Another, I thought was really nice, fun and good at first, and then when I got comfortable I learned otherwise. Still another, I tried to convince myself that he really wasn’t that bad, but his continuously pointing out my flaws didn’t make me feel good about myself, and that just wouldn’t do. One in particular had a daughter of his own. I never did feel I was getting the whole truth from him. You see, I could just look at him and get this sense of a big neon signs flashing FALSE, MANIPULATIVE, DECEPTIVE, but I didn’t break it off. Looking back, I can say he was so messed up (as was most of his family) with needless drama, anger, and passive aggression that I felt myself being sucked into this vortex of insanity. I knew he was wrong for me, but for some reason I didn’t mind him being such a key part of my life. I even broke up with him once only to date him again later on. Why? It’s partially because of familiarity. I had dated him long enough that I simply got used to the psych ward. Another possible reason was because I had dated enough bad apples (I can count the good apples on less than one hand) that I didn’t think there was anything else out there for me. Besides, he had a little girl. I loved her… love her. Somebody needed to be there to teach her the good things, to keep her sane, to make sure she turned out ok. The more I thought about that reason, the more I thought I couldn’t leave. For her sake, I had to tough it out. It wasn’t until I got this disturbing word from God that said that I was never meant to be her mother that I had to reconsider. I still wanted to try to work things out, but I had grown tired of chaos and wanted peace back in my life more. When I walked away from that relationship that day I was thinking of that little girl, not her father. I literally beat my chest, cried thousands of tears and wailed at the thought of never seeing her again. I know it was the right thing to do (now married to the Pine Nut Padawan with two kids of my own), but it wasn’t easy. I had spent a lot of energy working for something that wasn’t real, wasn’t mine. I had stayed because I thought I had to. I left because I really had to.
Another thought: I watched my little one the other day bang her finger on the floor only hours after having had it smashed in the hinge side of a door to the point of nearly taking the nail off (which has since fallen off). I wondered why she would do such a thing to something that was already giving her pain. It dawned on me that the pain in her finger at the moment of injury was so intense that hours later, when her finger had become numb, it must have felt like nothing, and she probably banged it on the floor just to feel something. It doesn’t make sense, but people do things like this all the time: the drugs that once got him high aren’t strong enough any more so the drug abuse intensifies to get a similar feeling, the paycheck that looked so big before doesn’t look so great any more so she kills herself just to earn a small percentage more, the relationship that was once fun, new and exciting now takes a turn for the worse after a period of numbing monotony, but you stick with it because at least you’re feeling something. People do crazy things to feel alive. The dependency isn’t necessarily to the relationship but the endorphins, a very rewarding hormone, that even come from the abuse, worry, jealousy, and hurt, because the reward doesn’t have to come about by good and positive means for you to get it. Think of the destructive kid who gets a good scolding from his disappointed, workaholic, neglectful father. “Who cares if Dad’s mad because I bent his favorite golf club. At least he noticed I did something and gave me his full attention for half an hour.” People do crazy things to feel loved. Subjects 1, 2, and 3 might get glimpses of love thrown their way every now and then or remember the times when they were loved more lovingly and hold on so tight those moments that they’re blind to reality. “Oh, but he didn’t mean to. He really loves me. I know he does.” People do crazy things because of hope. Hope is a very strong thread: strong enough that there are times (though I don’t think them often) you’d be better off letting go of it for just a minute or in one area or another than to hold onto it until it breaks. People do crazy things for love. I’d give anything for the good of my family even at my own expense. You become self-sacrificing for the ones you love. It’s something that actually works if the feelings are truly mutual. Only when one becomes selfish, arrogant, or enraged does love not work. That’s usually when the other party’s hope and need to feel loved kicks into hyper-drive and the self-sacrificing becomes moot. So, let me see, people stay in bad relationships because they believe a lie, don’t want to fail, to feel alive, to feel a twisted form of loved, for hope, and for love. There comes a point in those crappy relationships were you simply have to step back, honestly assess the situation, weigh the costs, and do what’s going to aid in your survival (mental, physical, emotional, whatever), but that takes a great deal of strength and determination, and some people simply don’t have it. For them, I feel sorry.
From one email I got:
I think sometimes one stays for children's sake which is wrong - it HURTS the kids MORE to see fights all the time - better to be a peace with both parents separately. My thoughts anyway.
Sometimes one stays because of fear of others seeing them as a failure. Others because they fell committed before God in marriage. Some stay because they are afraid to leave - whether fear of the spouse or fear of being alone.
Regarding Moms with kids - it is hard to step out not knowing where your kids next meal is coming from, how to clothe them, pay for doctor bills, get a house, get a car, get a phone.........most abusive men make it VERY hard for woman to get an education, work or have any anything where she has a shot at leaving.
In general I think all your case scenarios and the answer to your question is imperfection and pride - maybe sometimes stupidity...........
Another email:
My answer to your question, why?
We all want, need, and crave to be loved, belong to someone else
And in the absence of a positive relationship where the love and respect are mutual and shared, many
will settle for a less than perfect relationship, always hoping that it will get better. No one likes to admit he/she has made a mistake in something as serious as a relationship. Everybody wants to have that perferct couple...
But it all boils down to simple love and respect. I think you have to love yourself in order to give love away.
And personally, I don't know how anyone can make a perfect relationship without the common thread of spiritual love (yes, from God). when both parts of the relationship have similar goals and aspirations (speaking spiritually, which is the most important level of who we are---- those aspirations would be to grow individually and as a couple in that faith ) ........but anyway, if the couple is both moving toward a higher spiritual plane, it looks somewhat like a triangle. the couple is each represented on the lower corners of the triangle. God is at the upper corner. As both move closer in their spiritual relationship with God, they also move closer together in their loving relationship.
I have seen it in my own marriage. My husband is my best friend, as well as the love of my life. Is our marriage perfect? No....but every day we get up and work toward continuing to build the relationship, and cherishing each other. And every day that love grows, because we work at it faithfully each day. When there are wrinkles in the relationship, it is because one or both of us has forgotten (temporarily) to keep our focus on making it work. But even then, the reconciliation is sweet, because we know, that we know we are on the path together forever.
Tech.....
I am late on this one, but I think I need to voice a little here. I think there is a very valid point to the Love and Respect argument. Doe this need to be done through a "spiritual" connection? I think not. That only depersonalizes the argument. One needs to connect to another. Not to a book......an idea......a child. It seems to happen a lot in later in life relationships that one person has a child. Now the excuse that it is hard for the mother of the child to leave due to food, housing, what not is a falicy. The mother dates the guy.....the guy dates the mother and the child. He becomes attached to not only the mother, but also the child. Guys are bred to protect to provide. They want to try for the sake of the child as much as the mother. They just do not get to throw the "you do not know how hard it is being single with a child" in the mothers face. The Mother should try to think how hard it is to like/love the mother and the child without thinking to far into the future.
Humans look for excuses all of the time. Humans look for the "magic" pill. The argument of one must love themselves first is 100% true. Figure out who you are before making someone else try.
Want to make a relationship last.....
Be honest....to yourself first, then your partner.
Be respectful....to your partner before yourself.
Be modest....You are NOT the best at it so quit acting like it.
Be humble....not broken, but realistic. Fast and flashy get you a ticket and an accident.
Love.....give it like we humans yearn to receive it. If the tap runs dry on one end.....find a new tap.
We deserve to be shown love. We deserve to be treated like we treat. We deserve to reap what we sow. Plant the good seeds in the relationship and you will get a bountiful crop. You plant "pseudo" seeds and no amount of "fertilizer" will yield you a good crop.
Be true.
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